WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
