Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
