An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
