Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize