just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
