I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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