i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
