im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
That was an excessively violent trivia night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
