today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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