Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize