I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
