my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize