a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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