I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
