it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize