It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
