in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
