I wish I could teleport
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
