Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
