I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
