just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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