If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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