it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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