Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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