Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
