It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
