somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize