Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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