I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
