He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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