hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
