I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
