based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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