her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
