you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
We smell like vodka and hangover
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