I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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