I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
