He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
