I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
