First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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