when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
