In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize