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I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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