My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Nicole vs. Life
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
