My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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