I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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