bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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