could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
