I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
