The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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