The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
