porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
