When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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