mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
