I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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