If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
