I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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