On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I would ride that face into the sunset
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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