Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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