the condom got lost in my hair
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
