I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
