i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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