i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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