Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
