is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he shaved USA in his pubs
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
