She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
