Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
