I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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