I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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