My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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