Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
