In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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