Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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