Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
