You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
